Opinion in fight scene? Honest opinions please!?

'As soon as the whistle stopped blowing, Alberto suddenly swung his left stick violently, starting the fight. A rush of fear gushing inside her, Bella jumped a few metres away, managing to avoid the blow. Bella then spun her spear around, creating some sort of force field out of the swirling motion. Thinking strategically, Alberto threw his right stick at the spinning spear, causing Bella to clumsily drop it to the ground. As she hurriedly picked her weapon up, Bella swung her weapon around again, attempting to protect herself. Alberto ducked down and slammed his left stick at her knees, knocking her down completely. Her eyes dead shut with pain, her legs were tangled with confusion, causing her to trip to a mud puddle, her face and upper body filthy.'





Any suggestions will be helpful! Thanks!|||Watch movie action scenes for some good ideas. They use fast cuts, lots of close ups on eyes and face, and sound effects.





Use powerful, strong words, eliminate any unnecessary adverbs or adjectives or long descriptions. Write staccato. And write emotion. Its the emotion of a fight that makes it tense and interesting. Otherwise there is no drama, and its more like a chess match in the park.





Eric squared with his opponent, eyes wide, nostrils flaring as he fought to steady his breathing. He ducked a savage blow from Heinrich, blade singing overhead. A second, a third. He planted his feet to counter but Heinrich sensed it and danced away, bouncing Agilely on his toes.





Heinrich was the tiger here, Eric the prey. His feet and arms felt leaden. Heinrich laughed.





You've obviously done some training in a fighting art. Me too! I've been training for thirty years and currently teach combatives for the US army. But you know what? No one cares about that stuff but us. The move by move descriptions don't engage the average reader, because they don't have enough background to picture the situation you're describing. Focus on the emotion, let them fill in the details. Like in my example above, I don't say how or where or from what hand Heinrich swung, but with your training you probably pictured it in a realistic way anyway. See?





Last tip: watch your descriptions. How to legs tangle with confusion when legs themselves can't get confused? How can she fall in a puddle if she was already knocked down completely?





Stuff I liked: I like the force field from the spear. I assume you meant a literal focefield and there is something magical going on in the fight. I love that stuff. I like the description of eyes "dead shut" that was very good. I like Bella getting knocked into the puddle, it creates a certain desperation. A reader doesn't have to know jack about close combat to know that when you go face down in a mud puddle, it isn't a good situation for you.





Keep writing!|||there is a lot of confusion of verb tenses and scene progression





Bella swung her weapon around again, attempting to protect herself (Current tense.)





Alberto ducked down and slammed his left stick at her knees, knocking her down completely. (Current tense) (Ok she is down)





Her eyes dead shut with pain,(current) her legs were tangled with confusion (past), causing her to trip to a mud puddle, (wait she was already down? Also the voice changes from hers to a narrator explaining why she fell - of course after she was already down)





Elsewhere wwe have similar issues "a rush of fear gushed inside her, Blle jumped is really awkward|||Rather than just writing "stick," how about describing it as a "fighting stick" or a "war stick"? Also, I agree with the other writer about not using the phrase "sort of" to describe the force field - how about "protective force field," "defensive force field" or "personal force field"? As far as the pacing, I don't think it moves along too fast at all - it is a fight after all, so the pacing is fine.|||"Her eyes dead shut with pain, her legs were tangled with confusion, causing her to trip to a mud puddle, her face and upper body filthy." Although that might be gramatically correct, it doesn't sound too nice. Maybe you should change it to something like this, "Her eyes shut with pain and her legs tangled with confusion, causing her to trip and land in a puddle of mud, her face and upper body filthy with ________ and who knows what else."





Other than that last sentence, it was really good. I hope you continue your writing; you are talented.





-.-.-Ivymax|||I think it sounds too unsure when you're describing some of the scene, like you said "creating SOME SORT of force field", if you are writing a story where there is an actual force field don't just say "some sort", establish a truth. This is another world you're talking about, not "some sort" of world, people want to read about it, not read something that isn't sure itself.





I hope I've helped a little.|||It was good. But, i would slow it down a bit, it happened all to fast.





If you know what I mean.