“This is going to be such fun” shrieked the girls from the back of the minibus. The 8 Student’s were going on a pre-university trip together , their last trip before going their separate ways they had spent weeks preparing for this adventure, they had saved for months each putting every penny possible away; the boys were planning on climbing up Snowdon, whilst the girls were planning a more layback approach.
The group of students sat patiently in the minibus waiting for the usual M4 traffic to clear the rain and wind was howling down around the bus, seconds became minutes and minutes became hours, the journey which was expected to take about four hours took a lot longer, they finally reached their destination when the fighting broke out of who would be in what caravan and who would be with whom.
Dinner was on site tonight; the girls had dinner and went back to their caravan, while the boys were enjoying the night’s entertainment; the dining room was crammed with teenage students all trying to make as much noise as possible, someone in the corner of the room caught the eye of the boys, a familiar face, someone they had seen somewhere back home however they did not know how he was familiar.
The boys just let it pass, all expect Alfie who was puzzled by this familiar face, he wondered whether anyone else was bothered by it, on the way back to their caravans Alfie questioned the others about the person.
“Did anyone see that person in the corner near the stage? I swear I know him”
“Yeah, I saw him; he was giving me evils all the time”
“Probably some weirdo from town or something, just forget about it”
The boys did just that, tumble into their caravan and crawled into bed; their heads were thumping, five beers and three V%26amp;Ts that’s more than enough for one night, Alfie and Larissa’s caravan were rudely awoken early with thudding at the door, Alfie being one of the eldest of the caravan went to the door, no one was there how odd is was definitely the door, he went outside to look around, it could have been Daniel or Chris mucking about, playing knock-down ginger, he walked around the caravan.
Two hours passed Alfie had not returned yet Larissa, Elliot and Katie were getting very worried, they decided they had called the other but their phone were always engaged, Elliot went next door to the other caravan, he hammered on the door, stood there and waited for a very long time, it was like no one was in however he could hear the TV blaring, he hesitated whether he should try if the door was locked, he did, well if his friends were in danger and he did not help them, it would be his fault, when he opened the door the first thing he did was called for Chris considering that was his brother, it was just a natural reaction.
Nobody answer Elliot back, he scouted here and there in to see if anyone was in bed or the shower, nobody was there, nobody was anywhere, how peculiar, nobody is in the caravan yet the doors are left unlocked, the boys and most definitely girls would not go out and leave the doors unlocked, it is not normal for them, he turned around to leave and there he was that familiar face staring back at him, he could not help but stare too.
He could not speak, he mouth had gone dry, and he tried so hard, nothing came out
“Long time, No see, I bet you don’t even recognise me, Do you? It has not really been that long has it, let me think three years, eight months, seventeen days, thirty-five hours and fifteen second precisely since we last meet, I sure have missed you, I know you have too! I saw your brother today, oh and Daniel, Lisa, Roxanne, they were all so happy to see me, just as ecstatic as you are, I could not believe it when I saw them,”
All Elliot could do was think he could not say anything, this sick minded thing standing in front of him, was a murderer, he killed one of his best friends, he should be in prison, wait a second, he was in prison, he is officially still is, well obviously something has gone wrong, he has only completed three years, he was so precise about when he last saw Elliot, that day was horrid, it lurched in the back off his mind, popping to the front every so often , it was there now.
INCOMPLETE|||Hi
Its not a bad story but there are a few gramatical errors here and there. Would it be a story aimed at teenagers? If so its fine.
Well done.. you could expand some bits if you need it to be longer... put a few more descriptive parts in.
'The boys just let it pass, all expect Alfie who was puzzled ' the word expect should be except.
Well done. Good luck with it|||Honestly, the grammar was so bad I couldn't even concentrate on reading it, and it seemed like it was moving...WAY fast.|||8 Student’s --eight students
together , their --no space before the comma
separate ways they --seperate ways. They
preparing for this adventure, they had --comma splice
layback--laid back
While I admire anyone with the desire to write, I think you need to hone your basic grammar skills a bit first.|||I think your story has potential. It could be very interesting and full of suspence, but I think you should check it for grammatic and sentence-structure errors. I saw quite a few commas when there should have been periods. Also, I don't know how long you want your story to be, but I think you could make the readers more engaged with individual characters if you provide some background information on the main characters and tell us about their personalities a bit. Good job, though! |||ok, i didnt finish it but yeah, theres lots of puntuation mistakes that you need to fix. and you go into it too quickly. like:
The group of students sat patiently in the minibus waiting for the usual M4 traffic to clear the rain and wind was howling down around the bus, seconds became minutes and minutes became hours, the journey which was expected to take about four hours took a lot longer, they finally reached their destination when the fighting broke out of who would be in what caravan and who would be with whom.
is one sentence!! split it up and describe what happens in more detail. they shouldn't go from the minibus to the caravan in one sentence.||| Pretty good. I like mysteries. A few things I didn't understand, but the story line was there. I would like to read more if you don't muck it up with blood , guts and stuff. I like it so for.|||It sounds so typical!
Be original.
Ask what if
Follow your own trend
Be eccentric|||Hi hate to repeat what you've already heard but grammar and sentence structure need to be tided up. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and imagine you would do this before submitting it anyway (just use your tool button, dead easy). The story has good pace but any editor would tell you you need more dialogue. I would say your target audience would be 12-14, if you think it should be older then you would have to brush up on your vocabulary (this is not an insult) 12-14 year olds would lap this up and they are a good money making market. DO NOT end in blood and guts try to create a twist at the end and leave the audience hanging, not too much though as you don't want to lose them. Good luck. Keep writing. x|||well i dont know where you can go now with it but i liked it def got potential good luck with it.|||It's your teachers who need a kick in the butt for failing you so badly in grammar and sentence structure.
The story itself itsn't so bad but it lacks flow - it jerks from scene to scene, and misses connections.
You could put a twist in it that Elliot is actually the killer. The other guy out of prison is trying to stop him massacring the kids.,
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