Okay I am writing a book called "Everessense". It is about different people who are called "others". They are human, but they have strange powers. There is this international law that states that the "others" cannot use their powers in public. But some of them want to and they formed a group called the "Organization", who is led by an "other" who call himself Zeldan. When this group gets out of control and goal changes to destroying the world... "Others" that was against this group then come together and form the "Everessence" to try to stop him. The story goes to the different points of views of different "others", this is the beginning of story, which is in Ashley Grays point of view. She have the ability to see in the future.
Ashley
San Francisco, California
North America
The alarm went off. It read 6:30.
A lazy, unforgiving hand slammed on it. Instead of the alarm going off as it was meant to do, it was knocked down to the wooden floor, making it buzz louder. That was when Ashley groaned, finally got up reached for the alarm and turned it off. She then slowly got up and then half walked, half crawled to the shower. That would wake her up.
Once the hot, steaming water rained down on her, she was suddenly was awake. Ashley then got dressed quickly, brushed her hair and teeth and then grabbed her bags for school. It was when she got to the stairs when she remembered. Her dream.
It was strange. In the dream, she was with people just like her and then they were going to save the world. Ashley quickly dismissed it as idiocy and concluded it just being a dream. She haven’t had a premonition in months.
Even though the popular Ashley Gray, who had flawless bronze skin, beautiful jet black hair, amazing teeth, a great figure, and is a jaw dropper to men and boys alike, seemed normal to everyone, she wasn’t. She was one of the ‘others’.
She had the ability to see in the future.
Then she thought of the dream again and still dismissed it. Something was telling her that this was something other than a dream. Also at the same time, the other “conscious” she had was telling her that it was nothing. But at the same time, something was telling her this wasn’t because she had others like it before.
But this one stood out from all the others. Somehow… All this conflicting thoughts and conciseness was making her confused. So she completely forgot about it.
She continued down the stairs.
Downstairs in the kitchen, her father was drinking coffee and was reading the morning paper. Her mother was flipping pancakes on the stove. They were the only ones that knew about Ashley abilities. They forbidden themselves to have other children for the risk that they would find out.
“How was last night?” Will, her father asked, as he watched her walk in.
“I had another dream,” she whispered quietly.
This stopped the both of them. Almost like time was frozen. Will held his coffee in mid air. As Wendi , her mother let the pancakes slowly burn on the grill.
“What was it about?” Wendi whispered.
“Me saving the world with ‘others’ just like me…”
“You had dreams like that before.” Will said.
“Yes, Dad. But this one was different. Like… Like it is going to happen.”
“Anything is possible when you are special like this.” Wendy said
“Mom! I am only fifteen, how am I poor Ashley Gray in suppose to save the world?”
“I think that this is nothing,” her dad said. “I mean you had dreams like this before… This is most likely nothing.”
“I know. I thought that too. I am just going to dismiss it again.” She then looked at her watch “It is time for me to go.”
“Have a good day at school, sweet heart.” Wendi said. Then she added, “And remember that we love you.”
“I love you, too.” She grabbed an apple and was out the door.
Ashley always took the morning trolley to school. The fresh breeze in the San Francisco air calmed her down as she walked to the stop. And when she saw the Golden Gate Bridge in the distance she smiled. Ashley loved it here and didn’t wanted to go and save the world. She just wanted to be like everyone else
She wanted to be normal.
“Why me?” she thought as she saw the trolley coming in the distance.
“Why?”
That is apart of what I written for this part. I do not care if the comment is bad. I just want to become a better writer.|||When I first saw your synopsis, I thought, "Oh no!", but I decided to read it. I was surprised that not only was I interested, but I enjoyed it. A couple comments however. A minor one that I caught immediately was you omitted had before forbidden. I'm sure that was a typographical error. My chief complaint was your description of her. Instead of listing all her attributes at once, why not say something to the effect that she swung her hair over her shoulders when she got out of bed. Then you could add the adjectives. You could also say she gave a brief--or no--glance to her figure in the mirror; that it bothered her that men and boys alike were drawn to her curvaceous figure. Then again, maybe she liked the power it gave her. Will she use that attribute later in the story? Give the readers information, but let them use their imagination in how you present her. Another note, give some description to the parents and the setting. It will make the story more real--e.g. farmhouse-styled kitchen, Victorian nook where she ate the pancakes. The one thing I didn't like was that she half-scrambled for the bathroom. It made me think of a monster crab! Keep at it!|||very good :)|||*...sorry so long... most of the constructive criticism I write tends to be...*
1. Many stories posted here, for a reason I don't understand, start with a bathroom scene.
Perhaps it's to describe a character, but no reader I know wants or cares to know what getting up, taking a shower (etc.) is like for anyone, even themselves.
Most who write successful autobiographies, for example, never start with such a description.
2. Suggest you let the character's appearance (Ashley) come around when it's really needed. Let it occur with interesting action, just the way you let the reader know where she is.
3. Further suggest you begin this with the much more interesting and near-perfect dialog scene.
3a. Begin with the action seen there, and the explanation given about 'others.'
3b. Watch out for the mother burning those pancakes: the word "As" is unneeded. I assume the word "in" near there is a typo.
3c. Recall what is said in "Strunk and White: The Elements of Style" - "Omit unneeded words."
4. Stay in active-voice writing mode (like the dialog) and use actions that describe, rather than passive descriptions, and I think you have a very interesting set-up here.
5. Thanks for the share, I appreciate it.
6. Have you ever read "Watchmen"?
I realize it's a 'just' very large comic, but have discovered (re: Gaiman's The Sandman series) that such 'comics' are indeed literature. I was reminded a bit of that reading your piece.
7. Begin with action and you have it.
Good luck on all.|||This is REALLY good. you should totally finish the story. what happens next? it sounds SO awesome!|||Before I comment on what you have written, I want to say something about the plot. First I have to say the calling other people 'others' and calling an organization a 'organization' is really not original. If I were you I would try to come up with some stronger names. You are calling these things by what they really are...just think about it and how it sounds. It's like calling a people, human or dogs, canine, they already are those things. Also, if these 'others' plot to 'destroy the world' they will have on place to live, where do they plan on living? They will have no place seeing as how the world will be gone. Consider having them to plot the end of organized civilization or something.
In the first paragraph you slip inot a passive vioce, try to stay in the present. Even if there is a moment in the past, use one sentence to transiton into the past, then write the rest like it is happeneing at this time.
Once the hot, steaming water rained down on her, she was suddenly was awake.
You have any extra word in this sentence, this is awkward.
She had the ability to see in the future
The above statement is passive. Ask your self, she had the ability (past tense), but does she now? Did she lose it? Rewrite as such:
She has the ability to see into the future.(unless she truly did lose the power.)
At this point I am going to stop and not do an inline crit. You very often slip into a passive voice. Have some puncuation errors and grammarical problems as well. In your diaglogue, try putting some of the action before the speaking to change it up a bit. I have no feel for your world or your character. Try adding decriptions to show the reader what your world looks like, get into Ashley's head and show us some of her emtions, how does she feel/think. Don't be in such a hurry to write your story, strech it out a bit. Tell us things, her dream for instance. Try to give more details than just a sentence or two. keep in mind this is constructive critcism designed to help you write better, not bring you down. As a writer, you will need to develope thick skin, not everyone will like your stuff.
Keep writing!
~Louvre~
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